Resident Evoul! 4!
by FACEoMAN
Summary: An extrememly twisted view on Leon's second adventure... Very funny, Very wrong. Continually Updated, including extras.


RESIDENT EVOUL! 4!

Chapter 1-1 Standing outside the car Leon looked around thinking 'this is gonna be like that time in Raccoon City, isn't it?' while loading his gun with little tiny lizard eggs. He pointed it at a nearby crow and fired, missing completely and hitting the car which was in the opposite direction.  
"What the fuck do you think your doing you stupid-ass gringo?!" shouted one of the men, I'm not sure they both look alike.  
"I'm sorry I still haven't gotten a hold of the controls yet. So just fuck off!" Leon shouted back.  
He then turned back around to see that the crow was dead somehow probably of the Red Plague or parasites or something Leon didn't particularly care, but what he did notice is for some reason the Pimp crow was carrying gold. Yah like 400 pesetas man! Leon wasn't used to that kind of money, as the government paid him like a 10,000 salary and told him everyone else got that pay. Well, anyway, in front of Leon's path was a shitty looking house that could easily be burnt down but for some reason was 100 times more structurally secure than the stupid houses they build in Gilbert with its door hanging wide open like some dick with no life just waiting for someone to come and smash his face in. Leon walked into the house without stopping the think about knocking or anything I'm not sure why, but Leon is just like that.  
He made his way around the curve the house was oddly shaped with and saw a man poking the fire. Wow, I guess this guy really is a lifeless shit. So, Leon, like a total ass without asking permission to be in this lifeless shit's home, walked up to him with a picture of Ashley (for the sake of the readers, I will not describe it) and asked him:  
"Hey you! The one poking the fire! Yeah! Have you seen this little... Um, this girl"  
" ?" the man responded.  
"Okay... Wow... uh... I guess I'll leave then." But just as Leon had said that the man already pulled the pick-axe out of the table where it was placed in someone's skull. Don't ask. He swung it at Leon's head, and Leon was too busy checking his cell phone for text messages he never gets, so it hit him directly in the shoulder.  
"Ouch! What the fuck bitch? I mean, come on! You don't just, AXE PEOPLE! In the shoulder! What the fuck man? What the fuck?" Leon said before shouting like a little pussy monster on helium. The shouting was because the stupid face man had pulled the pickaxe out of his shoulder, and was preparing to do it again. Leon rolled to the left and smacked into the wall, but got back up and aimed his gun at him.  
"Stop moving! That really hurt man! How'd you like it if I shot you in the arm? Huh?! Hey, stop it! That's it, one more step and"  
Leon shot off to the side completely missing the man. He shot again twice but hit the car waiting outside again (someone screamed, he couldn't tell who and didn't care) and another crow flying nearly 200 feet in the air. He had forgotten to turn on laser sight, and the idiot axed him again in the head, splitting it into about three pieces.  
You died. Now go cut yourself you failure! Wow, and just like that were at a hit ratio of 0 with a continue of one. Anyway, so here he was with laser sight on, still missing with every shot when a chicken suddenly bursts into the room and shits on the guys face, killing him. Leon looked at the chicken in a funny manner, the type of which you only look at a child with a bowl of diarrhea smiling, revealing brown-substance covered teeth, clinging to a nude Barbie with hair covered in the same brown-substance. The chicken instantly grew to a dark red color and exploded.  
"Ooookaay... Right... This IS gonna be like Raccoon City." He rummaged through his pants and reached into his underwear to find a walkie-talkie thing to talk to some women... um... Hunnigan... or something.  
"Is everything okay?" she said.  
"I just killed a man. Yeah... he had an axe... and he tried to axe me... and a chicken exploded... and now there's rats eating him... and the car I came in exploded just a few seconds ago"  
"Oookay... um, I'm gonna need you to head toward the village. If that means killing more innocent people than GO AHEAD! KILL ALL THOSE BASTARDS!! I WANNA SEE EM' DIE! Alright then, Hunnigan out"  
Leon put the phone... pants... place. K. Obviously Hunnigan didn't know these were not innocent people (or at least, they aren't now) and obviously didn't care otherwise. But what Leon did know, is some dumbass Spanish speaking jackass decided to push something against the door. He heard calls from these tiny little dicks (who were about to die, along with countless others in the next 24 hours) and figured there were about 52 out there. He began to panic.  
"WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE ON ME BITCHES?!?! COMO ESTAN? COMO?! QUE?!?!?!?!" he shouted out like a moron whose toes were being smashed, except they might be enjoying it, just maybe.  
" !" one of them shouted back.  
"Damn, I knew it. 52 of them sons of bitches. Well, I guess this old stallion is gonna die a heroic death. I'M COMING WHAT'S HER FACE PESIDENTS DAUGHTER WOMEN THING!" he screamed like a little bitch before groping (erm... I mean grabbing...) his gun (heh heh... gun...) and jumping out of a nearby window like a monkey on um... crack. Or maybe... nah, it was crack. Anyway, since this story is more realistic than that of say... the game (yeah right, I mean, fuck, there was just an exploding chicken a second ago)? The shards glass that were flying everywhere also gave Leon more than a few cuts (and gashes) and left him crying when he had finally hit the ground.  
"Why's it gotta hurt so bad?" Leon said in-between whimpers and tears. One of the nearby dumbfucks heard Leon say this, and responded, "If you think that's bad, try having a parasite explode out of your head"  
"What? What does that mean? Huh? What? Did you say parasite? Clue to the story that begins to unfold later? What?" Leon said.  
The shit that had talked to him in first place got a funny look on his face. The kind of look, say, your dad gets, when he walks in on you to pictures of Michael Jackson photoshoped with a women's boobs wearing a bikini while shoving entire boxes of ramen up your (edited for explicit... you don't wanna know...). Anyways, so after putting this look on, the man (thing) ran at Leon and shoved a shoe in his mouth.  
"What the fuck 'tis this shit? A shoe?" he yelled out after pulling the shoe out of his mouth. The man (thing) that had done this chuckled a little, right before Leon had put a bullet through his eye socket, that is. The other people ran at Leon, while Leon was counting his fingers with an extremely perplexed look on his face.  
"Wait, so one... two, three... but... where are the other... um... six? Plus 9? I'm so confused" he said as he began to cry again. Wow, Leon's acting like some (wait for it) SCHOOL BOY BITCH! I guess we lied when we said we didn't destroy the characters. Anyway, so those other two dipshits were running at him one with cotton candy the other with like a stick or something, and Leon was simply crying with a gun pointed at a caterpillar.  
"Don't do it man! I'm on the edge! I'LL DO IT! I WILL!" Leon screamed.  
"He-Hey man! Its okay! Look, I won't poke ya! I promise! Just don't hurt the caterpiller!" Said the man (you know, thing) with like the stick or whatever. Anyways, Leon held the Caterpiller hostage until he reached the gate that leads into the main village (how did they build a gate like that, anyway?). 


End file.
